How to manage rejection (so it doesn’t manage you).

I hate using the word rejection when I’m working with clients on their job search because it insinuates something personal. And let’s be honest, even if we know it’s not, it still hurts like it is. Frustrating thoughts like, “Well, was I even considered?!” and “I matched every requirement they asked for!” can flood our brains and hold our emotions hostage, sabotaging the rest of our day.  It’s hard. And it sucks. And while I can’t explain or excuse other recruiters’ screening processes, behaviors, or styles, I think it’s helpful to establish a healthy relationship with rejection early on in your search, because… it’s inevitable. So, instead of fearing it, or thinking it has ANYTHING to do with us, our value, or our overall candidacy, let’s counterattack that emotional response we get with a few measures to help us take back control of our head space and balance out the ship so we can keep sailing. I’m not talking about taking an extra yoga class or going for a walk (although I’m a huge fan of both). I’m talking about understanding rejection in our job search. If we can see this for what it is, we can better rationalize what it usually isn’t… personal.

The next time you get that “thanks, but no thanks” email or call, try keeping these five things in mind (and then maybe go for that walk).

Rejection doesn’t mean you weren’t a great fit.

Sometimes, that sting of rejection hurts because it triggers a little voice in our head that whispers, “See? I told you you’re not good enough for this job.” And hear me when I say this… That is some bullshit. Don’t ever let some transactional auto-email make you question your value as a candidate, or as a person. Especially when you have no idea what prompted it. Maybe they closed the position because the manager had a lot going on. Maybe they have to re-work the job description (very common). Maybe an internal employee got promoted (and hey - now their role may be posted). Too often, you just don’t know the backstory, and after years of recruiting, let me tell you - there are a hundred different reasons why GREAT candidates don’t get the job, and most have nothing to do with them. So, if your background matches the majority of those job description requirements, go for it! Even if you’re off on a few of them, it’s okay. Who knows, you may actually be the most qualified person in that candidate pool. Rejection doesn’t change that.

Understanding the numbers.

Okay, so now that we know rejection doesn’t define our value as a candidate, how do we stay level headed about that? At the end of the day - it’s a bit of a numbers game. And your number won’t always hit depending on who else was in that candidate pool. It’s very frustrating - but again - at least we know it’s not personal. For example, let’s say a job posting gets 300 applicants (normal). If even 10% are really qualified including you, that’s still 29 other people you have to compete with for that ONE job. If you and 29 other people can all feasibly succeed in the role, that means 299 people will be passed-on including those 29 great fits. It’s unfortunate, for sure, but when we boil it down to the raw data… it is what it is. There will always be incredible candidates who get beat out by one of their own. Keep applying until that’s you! And if you’re not sure how to make that you, check out my piece on following up.

Ask for feedback.

So using our last scenario, let’s say that you made it into the top 30, but you just missed being selected for a phone screen… or perhaps you got the phone screen, but never got asked to formally interview… Don’t you want to know why? Of course you do! Asking for feedback needs to be a staple of your process. Will every recruiter or manager respond? No. But some will, and this feedback is crucial to your ability to identify possible snags in your resume or approach. Try finding the recruiter or manager on LinkedIn (or use their email if provided) to ask them for insight. If this is your first time, don’t over think it. Just do it.  Trust me. I’ve seen LOTS of incredible resumes for candidates that didn’t get the job. It had nothing to do with them, and everything to do with the person the manager chose. If anyone ever asked me for feedback, I was always happy to clarify what made that person stand out to the manager. This is information you can use!

 (Just a gentle reminder:  If you ask for feedback, and someone gives it to you straight – please don’t shoot the messenger. Nine times out of 10, the manager just saw someone else as a better fit. If your resume was riddled with typos or red flags though, or if you got to the phone interview stage, but kept interrupting - then that might be the feedback.  I always tried to reply with a balance of tact and truth, but I’d be lying if I told you I didn’t hesitate a few times because I just had my head bitten off by someone who didn’t like what they heard.)

Aim for a relationship, not just a response.

When you ask for feedback, any insight you gain is a win. Data is data. But why stop there? This is your chance to actually connect with the person managing talent acquisition for this company. Reply back to any feedback they provide, with a “Hi [their name], thanks for the feedback. That was really helpful and not everyone takes the time to respond. I’ll stay in touch and keep an eye on your job board because I would love to join [company name] someday. Thanks again!” 

I always appreciated these responses.  I can think of at least a dozen former colleagues who got the job on the second or third attempt after taking the initial pass with grace. They then reached out to me on LinkedIn and loosely stayed in touch until another role opened that we could discuss. Many times, I’d even tell them what was coming up, so they knew what to look for. It wasn’t inconvenient - I was happy to. Remember, a recruiter’s job is to FILL positions, and if I could have a proactive pipeline of great candidates in my network, it only made my job easier. I also made sure to tell my hiring managers which candidates were diligent and tactful in their follow-up. They appreciated it, and so did I. Likability is a very real factor in hiring. Companies want to hire people that are self-aware, positive, and play well in the sand box with other employees. Go the extra mile to build that rapport and stay in touch. It can pay off in spades.

Focus on the irons you still have in the fire.

This is where keeping an organized job tracker comes into play. (See more on trackers in, “Four steps to staying sane in your job search.”) Don’t delete the roles you don’t get from your tracker. Just shade them out, and keep focusing on what you still have in the hopper. If you’re actively applying each week, you should always have a few things you’re still waiting to hear back on. Are you due to follow up with anyone again? What about reaching out to any possible “peers” in those companies via LinkedIn. You can send a message saying, “Hi [their name], I just applied for a role in your department recently. How do you like it there? Good people? Just trying to do my due diligence. Thanks for your time!”  At the very least, that person is probably going to check out your profile (wouldn’t you?) and if you seem like someone they’d want to work with, who knows… it may lead to them forwarding your message on to the manager. I saw this happen OFTEN. I also recruited for a company that offered a $1500 referral bonus, so it was a GREAT incentive for employees to pass along candidates to me they thought might be a good match.  What do you have to lose? Not only that, but if the person tells you the department is toxic, you’ll be really glad you asked!